For months, my fellow fresh meats and I would gaze adoringly at the seasoned derbies doing hockey-stops and jumping over cones. “Won’t it be wonderful” we would think as skating backward with the speed of a drunk turtle and the stability of the crack-smoking mayor or Toronto, “when we can have that skill and confidence”. Then last night, one of the travel team players said something that took me by surprise. “The hardest thing about being at this level”, she mused, “is that you have to try to find more challenges”.
The experience and wisdom of age brings many gifts to the track. Speed is not one of them. On my first practice with the full league as a level one, we did an exercise called a pace line. All skaters are in a line keeping up with the woman in front of her. There are various drills that can be run, such as having the back skater sprint to the front, or weave in and out of the other women. We were doing a “hitting” line, where the back skater weaves and hip checks each woman in the line. Trying to keep up with the line was struggle enough. Trying to keep up while being slammed every 5 seconds was almost impossible. Every time I took my eye off the skater in front of me, I slowed down or veered off, creating a grand canyon - sized gap in the pace line. When it was my turn, trying to skate up in the line, losing momentum to hit and still passing the other women proved too much. I struggled to make it half way before dropping out all together.
It was humbling at a time in life when I was starting to feel pretty comfortable. I’ve been a midwife for 14 years, and I was a labor and delivery nurse before that. While dealing with human beings is always a new experience, I don’t break a sweat at the start of every call shift anymore. I am mercifully out of the dating scene, and done with the turnstile of new men for whom I need to suck in my stomach and pretend I don’t fart.
I still feel like a terrible mother most days, but I would argue that being a “good mom” is an unattainable goal. Before all the moms out there threaten to stab me with toddler-safe forks and splash me with environmentally-friendly non-toxic craft paint, let me explain. You can be a good mom, but you never get to feel good about your parenting skills. When my son was born, I had the typical fear of dropping him. What’s funny about that is I have held thousands of babies over the years, sometimes with one hand, often sloppy wet. I got the diaper-change, breast-feeding thing down, and guess what? He started solids and sitting up. And so it went, every time I was starting to get something down, he kept changing into a new phase and new person. Every time we would screw up with Evan, we would take solace in the fact that we’d get it right for the next one. Then, after fumbling through parenting for 22 months, along came Lily: the second child, not the practice model. After a few months, we made the most horrific discover - she was like this whole different person! So yes, being a mother keeps me on my toes. I guess it didn’t feel like such an extraordinary challenge because it’s an experience of humility and self-doubt which I share with most adult women on the planet.
So yes, for the first time in a while, outside my home, I feel like a complete moron! Why would I want to put myself through this? I guess for the same reason I eat vegetables and drive the speed limit (or the Boston version thereof). It doesn’t always feel good, but it’s good for me. Besides the benefits of physical exercise, which are endless, researchers found that trying new things and having a variety of experience makes one retain positive memories and minimize negative ones. http://content.time.com/time/specials/2007/article/0,28804,1631176_1630611_1630586,00.html Another article I found said that taking in new information actually makes our brains perceive time as going slower. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/belle-beth-cooper/10-surprising-things-that-benefit-our-brains_b_4275770.html Not a bad benefit to have at a time when, as Joni Mitchell says, I have to “drag my feet to slow the circle down”. (Listen to “The Circle Game” if you don’t get it.)
I’ll let you in on another secret of feeling comfortable: insecurity is rare, but so are meaningful victories. I’ve climbed to the top of the ladder I had designed for myself - I became a midwife, got good at it, got married, and had kids. There may be more to life for some, but when I was mapping out my goals, this was the “win” space on my game board.
Last night, we did the dreaded pace line again. I’m past the age where I can even fantasize that some day I’ll climb mount Everest or sing on Broadway, but I was going to make it to the front of that friggin pace line if it killed me! Not a Super Bowl win, but raise a glass for me if you so happen to be imbibing now. And on to hockey stops!!
No comments:
Post a Comment