Having It All!!!

Have you ever looked at those women juggling career, family, interests and think you could never do all that?  I used to.  Now, I am one of those women.  I have currently clawed my way up to management (by which I mean no one else wanted my job).  I am raising 2 kids, including a child with somewhat special needs  - I never know how to describe my highly intelligent yet autistic son.  I started several blogs and am working toward publishing my own book.  And to top it off, I’ve found a passion for an actual athletic endeavor which occupies at least 2 nights a week, plus workout time.  Now, lean in, as they say now a days, so that you too will learn the secret of having it all.  You can dedicate yourself to as many goals and activities as you want, as long as you’re completely comfortable  sucking at everything.  I’m not talking about not being at the top of your game, I mean really stinking worse than if Pepe le Pew got run over by a garbage truck.  

Oh, come on, you’re exaggerating, you may think.  Well, in my first month as a manager, I approved a time card for someone who didn’t actually work.  After failing assessment after assessment in roller derby, watching my fellow fresh meat get drafted while still scrimmaging, I can still barely keep from falling over with the slightest hit, and that 27 laps in 5 minutes continues to by my achilles heal.  In my 7 scrimmages so far, my one good hit turned out to be against my own jammer!  And getting published?  I’ve been working on the same book proposal for weeks and haven’t had time to finish it.  I decided to actually hire someone to do a website for me, but can’t even find the time for a phone conversation so they can complete the job.  And motherhood?  Sometimes I practice walking with my head down and covering my face with a scarf for the inevitable time when one of my kids ends up in the news, and everyone will say “Well, with a mother like that, what did you expect?”  We mothers love to see bad mothers in the press, decrying how someone could be blessed with gifts from heaven only to neglect them, when really, we’re just so happy to see that there are worse mothers than us.  Why do you think I watch “Toddlers and Tiaras”?  

What are my cardinal maternal sins, you ask?  Before today, I was keeping a tally, thinking that although these misgivings - like sending my daughter to school in pajama bottoms, and sending my son to school in a bathing suit the Friday BEFORE water day - were upsetting now, I’d laugh about them later.  Like having a house that makes the living spaces on “Hoarders” look minimalistic.  Then recently, my son had 2 doctors appointments, which was great because Children’s Hospital is a schlep and I didn’t have to take more time off work.  First was the follow up with the orthopedic.  My son has a weaker and physically smaller left leg.  After ruling out cerebral palsy and a spinal defect, the diagnosis is just some kind of nerve damage and we were told to send him to physical therapy, which we did.  And by we, I mean his baby sitter takes him every week.  She gives us the handouts of the exercises he’s supposed to do every night, and we add it to the pile of mail, school stuff, and all other manor of paper that we will someday be able to build an extra house out of (that we can put more stuff in).   So the doctor asks the inevitable, “How is he doing in PT?”  “Fine, I think.”  “Have you noticed any improvement?”.  “I’m not sure” (because I haven’t looked).  “What kind of exercises is he doing?”  Again, blank stare.  I’m sure she left the appointment thinking what I think about many of my patients - I can’t do it for you, if you’re not going to follow the treatment plan, why are you coming to me?  Next was the developmental pediatrician.  We conveyed the behavior which has eluded us for years - hitting, tantruming, obsessing.  “Is his behavior therapist working on any of these issues with him?”  At this point I’m thinking maybe I should bring the baby sitter to doctors appointments with me since she probably knows more about my children’s daytime activities than I do. And just like that, I realize this is not just pajama-bottoms-by-day anymore.  

I’ve always said I don’t care what people think of me.  But like most people who think that, who the hell am I kidding?  I care that I do right by the nurses that have, through lack of better judgement, trusted me to lead them.  I have no illusions that anyone in my league thinks there’s a world cup derby player hiding under the sweat and mummy-tummy.  Yet having your lack of ability judged as a character flaw hurts, especially when you tell yourself it’s good that you have an activity that takes time away from your family because it’s “stress relief”.  How do you keep justifying that time when it starts to just add to the pile of shit?  

So here I am, at the crossroads all mothers encounter, sometimes daily:  When is it enough for my kids?  How much is OK for me?  And even if its OK, is it worth the juggling act?  I haven’t asked for comments in my previous posts, but I know there are other moms reading this, and I have to ask - how do you do it?  Do you feel guilty?  Do you feel like you could be better at derby if you didn’t have family obligations?  And for you other 40+ derby ladies - do think you could be in better shape if you were younger?  Do you think age makes a difference at all?  Do you think your younger teammates get that things are different when your dealing with a 90 degree rink and menopausal hot flashes at the same time? 

Please leave me your comments.  I may read them between finishing the dishes that have grown a new species of fungus, and bathing my children who.. well, you get the theme.  

Speaking of having it all, check out my website:  www.midwifelindarice.com